Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
