i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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