i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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