i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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