well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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