do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
