help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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