he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
MIDGETS
????
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
