He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoofâ€
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