We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
