if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize