We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
it hurts more in the daytime
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
