were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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