remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
