wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I supernannyed him into submission
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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