I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
