the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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