I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
