My underwear smells like fireworks.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize