He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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