i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
