Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
