There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
