he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
