where am i from again
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
