She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
