Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
