You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Randomize
