I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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