guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
