You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
