I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
