i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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