I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She bit a glass in half.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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