I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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