My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
