i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize