No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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