I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
