He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
