my phone needs a breathalizer
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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