you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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