I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
