I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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