You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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