I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
