He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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