I cannot find my penis.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize