Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
