I want to have your abortion
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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