I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize