the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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