Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
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