Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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