i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
