dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Randomize
