just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
