I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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