I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
