He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
