Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sober January is a disaster.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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