Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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