I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
