He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
